Love Potion Number Nine
by Rainbound Angel
Summary: Red drinks a bottle of Love Potion to prove to Purple that it doesn't work. Unfortunately for both of them, Red was wrong. Purple runs from a love-struck Red while Zim, Tak, and Skoodge try to secure the only known cure.
1. In which Red gets the hots for Purple

"It's all a bunch of junk!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Only idiots believe that stuff!"

"Better safe than sorry!" 

A small, green-eyed service drone paused, wiping up a soda spill off the tiled floor. "What are they arguing about now?" she asked a taller, pale Irken who was arranging files in a manila folder.

"Whether or not voodoo really works."

"Oh. Who's winning?"

"Judging from the noises Purple's making, I'd say Red." The drone nodded briefly and continued wiping up the floor. The file sorter looked up at them, not the slightest hint of amusement in her ruby colored eyes.

Red was sitting on Purple's back, holding Purple's antennae like reigns, yanking back on them to make Purple shriek. Purple, for his part, was tearing the hell out of Red's exposed legs with his sharply clawed fingers. "Say uncle, say uncle!" Red kept chanting.

"Never, never, never!" Purple cried back, bucking like a horse in an attempt to throw Red off. He finally succeeded, causing Red to land on his back with a dull thud. Purple skittered away from him, crouching across the room. His eyes were bright and wild, shining with excitement. He was having fun.

"I'll prove that it's all nonsense!" Red cried, gripping told of a small blue glass bottle designed in a series of loops. "I'll drink all of this!"

"Red, no!" Purple cried, reaching out with his long olive-green fingers. Too late, Red downed the entire flask of liquid, pausing to lick the flavor off his face with his long tongue.

"Mmm… cherry!" Red smiled.

"You were supposed to dilute it first…" Purple muttered, sitting back and narrowing his eyes. "I paid a decent amount of monies for that."

"A stupid love potion? Come on, Purple, you threw your money away before I drank the vial… I… say, Purple?"

Purple sighed, sitting upright. "What, Red?"

"Have your eyes always been so… shiny?" Red asked, titling his head sideways in confusion.

"Yes, Red," Purple commented, standing up and brushing the dirt off his robe. "You're probably going blind from putting so much of a strong chemical in yourself at once." He looked down at the dark stains. "Crud, now I'm going to have to change." 

Suddenly, he felt thin fingers on his back. "Let me help you," Red purred, grasping the zipper on the back of Purple's robe and pulling down with a loud zipping noise.

Purple jumped back, grabbing the front of his outfit under crossed arms to keep it from dropping down to his waist. "RED!" he shrieked. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm helping you change into something more… comfortable," Red smiled, advancing slowly towards Purple. Purple hovered backwards, eyes wide, as Red continued to come forward. Purple did not like the glint in Red's scarlet eyes one bit.

"That's very nice of you Red, but I can change myself, in my own room." Purple hovered to the doorway, then paused. "What are you doing?" he asked, his voice dripping acid. Red was standing directly behind him, close enough that Purple could feel Red's breaths tickling the nape of his neck.

"Watching you?" Red asked, his voice innocent. Purple slammed the door in Red's face, stalking angrily down the hallway. What the hell had gotten into Red? He normally didn't act like such a big moron.... a moron, yes, but not such a big one.

Unless… Purple froze. The love potion? Red said it was all phooey, and Purple had gotten it as a gag gift for an ambassador friend of his, not really even believing it would work himself. That couldn't be it, could it?

No, he shook his head. Red was pretending the love potion was working to spook him out. Stupid Red, Purple thought as he slipped into his own chambers. Still, joke or no, he found himself locking the door behind him and checking under anything large enough to conceal an Irken body.

Purple slipped out of his robes, listening to the ruffling sound they made as they fell to the floor. He sighed unhappily. There was black dirt and grease all over his legs and arms. He couldn't believe he'd gotten in a wrestling match with Red right on the floor of the communications room. That had to be the dirtiest place in the entire Massive.

Draping himself in nothing more than a white fuzzy towel he padded into the cleansing chambers, peering back and forth cautiously. Good, no one in sight. True, he didn't honestly believe the love potion had worked, but Red was known to take a joke too far now and again.

Purple leaned back, most of his body covered in a warmed layer of cleansing gel. It felt so comfortable, smelling lightly of lilac. He shut his eyes, reaching up and twisting the dial to begin a shower-stream of gel down on his back. It pounded lightly against him, swirling down his limbs and across the shallow bumps where his spine jutted out of his green skin. His ribs pushed against the sides of his body; being naturally thin was a blessing and a curse.

He laid a hand in the hollow swell where his ribs ended and the curve of his midsection began. He sighed deeply, breathing in the gel. The massaging shower heads were so nice. He didn't know how he'd ever get by without them.

He laid a hand upon the cold porcelain. It was nothing less than sheer bliss, until he realized that the massaging shower head had broken two days ago…

Whipping around, Purple stared straight into a brilliant pair of red eyes. He opened his mouth to shriek, but Red clamped a clawed hand over Purple's mouth and threw the other arm around his back, pulling Purple's thrashing body against his own. 

"What are you doing?" Purple screamed as he managed to pull his head free of Red's hand.

"Showing the most lovely creature in the Irken empire how much I love him," Red purred in response. Purple's eyes widened as Red pressed his mouth against his, pulling Purple closer. Purple's hands went up against Red's chestplate in frightened defense as Red's hand reached around, grasping tightly onto Purple right above the place where his legs met his hips. Red's gel soaked robe felt rough against Purple's tender, exposed skin. He was frozen, unable to move. It wasn't until Purple felt Red's hand begin to close on an area he'd rather not have touched that he realized he really had to do something.

Purple managed to push hard enough to throw Red backwards onto the tile, leaping out of the bath and throwing his towel around his waist. "Don't you dare come near me!" Purple cried. "This joke has gone far enough!"

"Joke? What joke?" Red asked. "To be standing here in the presence of the most beautiful Irken in the entire empire is no joke, it's poetry in motion. Come closer to me, I want to feel your antennae trembling under my hands." Red leaped at Purple, his hands curled like cat claws, but Purple managed to leap sideways just in the nick of time. Red collided with the trap of the sink, a loud "ping" sound ringing out across the wash room.

Clutching the towel tightly around his waist Purple rushed from the room back into his own chamber, slamming the door in barely enough time to smack Red in the face and knock him backwards. With shaking hands Purple turned the latch, securing himself from Red.

Pounding came from the side, along with faint cries of "Playing hard to get is very sexy, rar rar!" Purple fell backwards on the floor, grasping his chest as if to keep his heart from leaping out of his mouth. He was breathing very heavily, probably on the brink of hyperventilating. The pounding continued on the other side of the door.

Shaking, Purple pulled his robes back on. He was in the process of clasping his chest plate when he heard a raspy sound, like metal grating against metal. His antennae perked up, homing in on the sound. 

A very light gray flake of metal landed on his shoulder. He looked up. There, draped through a hole cut in the ceiling, was Red. He had an enormous grin on his face. "Hello, my pretty."

Purple screamed, tearing out of his chambers with the chest plate still unfastened. Less than six feet out of the door he collided straight into a service drone carrying a load of drinks, sending green liquid, drone, and tallest sprawling across the floor. Purple landed hard on his elbow, sending a shock of pain up through his arm and into the very bones themselves.

Purple whimpered as he sat up, cradling his limb. His head was spinning. He'd hit it pretty hard upon landing. As he shut his eyes and rubbed the ache, a spindly hand reached beneath his chin and drew his face upwards. "Did the poor baby fall down? Let me kiss it and make it better," Red grinned, leaning in on Purple.

Without thinking, Purple kicked his leg upwards and landed the pointy end of his shoe right in Red's crotch. The standing tallest whimpered and jerked backwards, giving Purple enough time to leap to his feet and hover-run down the hallway. "Feisty, isn't he?" Red asked the confused and slightly injured drone before he bounced off down the hallway, leaping lightly after the retreating form of Purple. 

Purple rushed around the corner, feeling like his lungs might explode from the way his chest was heaving. He wasn't built for this kind of physical activity; Red was. He knew he couldn't run forever. 

He placed his burning face against the cool sides of the Massive. If it were a joke, Red was certainly taking it further than Purple ever would have expected. That damned love potion…

The love potion! That was it! Purple rushed down the halls, praying the service drones hadn't thrown the empty container out yet. If he could get the video screen address of the gypsy who had manufactured the stuff, he could surely get the cure. He didn't care how much it cost. He simply wanted Red to stop chasing him.

He rounded a corner and found himself swept from vertical to horizontal. "Red!" he cried, thrashing around like a worm on a hook in Red's tight grip.

"Come with me, we will make beautiful music together," Red whispered, his hot breath striking the side of Purple's face as he took his antennae in his mouth and chewed, sending pleasurable and painful waves through Purple's body all at once. Purple let out a little gasp of surprise as Red continued to hold him, nibbling up and down his antennae with gentle bites. 

"I don't know how to play any instruments," Purple whimpered, fighting against the clamp of Red's strong grip. 

"You can play mine," Red laughed, licking his corkscrew tongue against the side of Purple's neck as he began to pull the thin fabric away.

That snapped Purple back to reality. He pulled back a fist and let Red have it squarely in the face, pushing him back against the wall. An upper cut with his left arm and a quick slam with his right leg sent Red down for the count.

Red looked up from his position on the floor, gripping his injured midsection. "Did you know that you're beautiful when you're angry?" Red asked.

With a cry of frustration Purple took off down the hallways, leaving Red behind. Red grinned to himself. "He can not control himself in the presence of a stud like myself. He runs from his own emotions. I must rescue him!"

Purple threw himself into the communications room and slammed the door behind him, rushing over to the chairs where several confused looking officers sat. He grabbed two of them, throwing them out of their chairs, and rushed to the door. He shoved the chairs against the door as a brace to keep Red out, then rushed back towards the twin thrones.

The bottle was still there. He grasped it in his hands like an object of salvation, tears nearly dripping from his violet eyes as he beheld it. 

Turning it over, he spotted the name and number. Mistress Ayasha, it said. "Quickly, contact this Mistress Ayasha. I must speak with her immediately."

The communications officers nodded; the two who had lost their chairs merely stared from their positions on the floor. Within moments a screen was brought up. A youngish girl with dark green skin and several tentacles hanging off of her head filled up the image. "Can I help you?" she asked quietly. She was dressed all in black.

"I need to speak with Mistress Ayasha immediately, it's a matter of life and death!"

The girl sighed, her ample chest heaving. "If only you could have called yesterday. Mistress Ayasha passed away last night."

Purple sank to the ground, his hover belt sinking as his hopes crumbled. "I… I… Oh Gods," he whispered, putting his hands over his eyes.

"Is there anything I can help you with? I was her apprentice."

Purple's head snapped up. "Can you…"

Before he could speak another word, Red had his arms around Purple, pulling him to the ground and lying on top of him. Purple tried to push him off and found his arms trapped in Red's iron grip, twisted in such a way that he'd probably fracture something if he tried to escape. "Don't be afraid, my angel. I will be as gentle as I can when we make sweet love in the night."

"Reverse the effects of the love potion?" the female on the screen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Purple cried. Red, taking this as shouted to him, grinned and continued to kiss the rather uncomfortable Purple down his chest. The whole while, the communications officers could only stare. 

"You want me so badly," Red purred.

"Please help," Purple whimpered, staring at the screen.

"I would, but the flower necessary only grows in the farthest regions of the Narpat galaxy. You'd have to be suicidal or just plain stupid to go there."

"Great," Purple muttered as Red continued to stroke his antennae. "Just great. Hey, watch where you're putting that other hand!" His eyes happened to fall on a small, round red light. Below it, the light read "Invader Zim Warning". Purple's eyes widened. He couldn't trust such an important mission to Zim… but… perhaps he could trust the mission to Zim and someone a bit more reliable but equally as undesirable.

"You want me to go on a mission with Tak and Skoodge?!?!" Zim cried, waving his arms wildly. "Me, the great and powerful ZIM? Share the glory with those two…mistakes?"

"I'm not asking, Zim, I'm ordering," Purple said, his arms crossed. Red was in the background of the picture, fighting with the metal collar chaining him to the wall. 

"I like bondage!" Red shouted. 

Purple sighed and slapped his face. Why did Red have to do that in front of Zim, of all Irkens? "Zim, this is a matter of grave importance for the Irken Empire. I don't want any more discussion on this!" he shouted, slamming his fists down on the control panel. GIR fell backwards from the noise, landing on his back.

"Hi ceiling!" GIR shouted happily, waving his legs like a turtle rolled onto its shell.

The screen went to fuzz. Purple sighed, leaning on the control panel to steady himself. His arms were shaking. He couldn't believe his crap-a-licious luck. 

"Poor child, are you cold?" a suave voice asked as slender hands slipped down Purple's arms, tracing figure eights on Purple's pale green flesh. His eyes increasing three times their normal size, Purple whirled around and smacked Red in the face, knocking him over. He skidded across the floor, half the metal chain still around his neck.

"My fate is in Zim's hands," Purple sighed as Red shook the stars out of his head and righted himself. "I better take up jogging." Then he took off, Red hot on his heels, still bouncing up and down the hallways in pursuit of the desirable Purple.

"Come back, my love, let me take you away to a land of magic!" Red cried. He paused next to a confused looking guard. "He is overwhelmed by his feelings for me, no? He is so sexy-cute when he fights his feelings. I will be a real man and show him the strength of passion!" Red cried, posing dramatically before he bounded off again after Purple.

The guard walked slowly over to the communications center and typed in a number. "Hello, supervisor? I think I need to take a mental health leave." 

To Be Continued… 


	2. GIR's hot lovin'

No ownership of Invader Zim or any *cough cough* Looney Tunes characters that people may think of from reading this.

Sorry it took so long to update… I… am not good on the updatey.

…

Purple sighed, setting his head on his right hand. His left hand was trapped in Red's grip, sandwiched between the petting and the loving strokes. "Could you perhaps let go for a moment? I want my soda," Purple commented, waving off Red with his free hand.

"It's like touching silk," Red muttered as Purple yanked free long enough to grab the fountain cup in his narrow, stick-like green fingers. "So soft, so smooth… so perfect!"

Purple wasn't sure how much more of Red he could take. He sighed yet again as a shiny-eyed Red snuggled up to his neck and sniffed deeply. "Oh, I just love the way your bosom heaves when you take such deep, romantic breaths."

Purple narrowed his eyes at Red. "Never, EVER, refer to any part of my body as my 'bosom' again," Purple said menacingly. He leaned his head back against the royal throne, his antennae folding back against his neck. Perhaps he should have risked the lives of a few GOOD soldiers to fetch Red's antidote. The promises of being swept away to something called a Casba were driving poor Purple nuts.

Meanwhile, the soldiers he had picked were attempting to pitch camp for the night on the mountainside- and perhaps pitch one another right off the orange-yellow sand mountain. Tempers flared higher than the meager cook stove's flame.

"It's not my fault you two assigned me chef just because I'm the only woman here," Tak snorted as Zim and Skoodge hacked at the charred "meal" with hacksaws. They'd already damaged their machetes attempting to cut up Tak's intended appetizers.

"Perhaps I should cook the next meal," Skoodge offered shyly. "Well, I mean, I was always stuck on kitchen patrol back in training…"

"Fine!" Zim cried, throwing up his black-gloved hands. "I'd like to see anyone try and cook worse than Tak." She responded to that little comment by dumping a plate of hardened gray squares down the front of Zim's shirt before storming off to hide in her tent.

Shaking his head, Skoodge leaned closer to Zim. "You gotta be gentler with a lady, appreciate them. They like being fussed over and complimented, not told they're a miserable failure at femininity."

"You're telling your superior officer how to behave around his subordinates?" Zim fumed. "Are you asking to be demoted?"

Skoodge turned back to poking the dying fire with a long stick. "You can't demote me any further than you already have," he muttered. "Remember the first three hours of the trip?"

Back on the Massive, Purple stuck a puppet of himself around the corner of the hall he intended to go down, checking for potential Red infestations. Red took the bait, leaping out of apparent thin air to glomp the puppet in both arms, snuggling it to his chest as he rolled down the hallway.

He kissed and adored the poorly made puppet for a good minute before realizing it wasn't the real Purple. He rolled onto his side and grinned like a playful puppy, his sapphire eyes gleaming with a brilliant internal light.

Purple saw that gleam from his position halfway down the hall, where he'd been sneaking away as quietly as his hover belt made possible. He let out a weak "SQUEE!" and hovered for it, the bounding Red hot on his miniature heels.

"Come back, my love! I want to make sweet music with you! And then we make a little love, do a little dance to go with the music?" he called inquiringly at Purple's fleeing back. 

Purple snatched a mug of soda from a passing solider. Turning quickly with cat-like grace in midair, he threw it across Red's face and chest. "Maybe that'll cool you down, lover boy," Purple called as he took off again, leaving the dripping Red behind.

Red looked down at his soda-soaked arms and chest. "Wet T-shirt contest! You are so kinky, Pur!" Red called as he continued to leap and bound down the hall like an enamored jackrabbit. 

Purple frantically tried to enter his private chamber, but his panicked fingers couldn't hit the code buttons right. Red caught him and spun him around, pressing their faces together. "You're so cute when you're out of breath. You simply glow!"

"Th-thank you," Purple whimpered, eyes wide. Behind his back, his fingers continued to fumble at the number pad.

"Wanna see a new trick I learned? Pleeeeeeeeease?" Red begged, falling to his knees and gripping the hem of Purple's robe to his face.

Purple sighed, pulling the robe free of Red's grip before letting his arms drop limply to his sides. "All right, anything to make you quiet… err… happy."

"Oh you're so wonderful, you won't regret this!" Red cried, scrambling back to his feet. "Now, you stand right there, and…" Red backed up, whipping out a laser-bladed sword and spinning it on his long fingers. 

Purple swallowed hard, his antennae flattening in fear. "Wait… do you really know what you're doing? I mean, really? I like my body in one piece, thank you very much."

Red giggled girlishly. "Oh, this trick is very exciting, and I've practiced it for hours to show it to you."

Purple shut his eyes in terror when Red swung the sword directly at his chest. After feeling a breeze go past him a few times and then nothing, Purple cautiously opened his lavender eyes.

Red stood smiling smugly, blade held by his hip. Purple looked around. "So… what did you do? What was your trick?" 

Red grinned, his zipper-teeth flashing. "I watched Zorro!" Purple didn't have time to ask what the hell that was supposed to mean before his robe fell to bits and collapsed below his feet.

Purple shrieked loudly enough that Irkens on the other side of the Massive heard his cry. He clamped his hands over his important parts, face turning as red as his co-tallests' namesake. 

He reached out and grasped Red's robe, ripping the lower part off and spinning Red in circles in the process. Purple wrapped the robe remnants around his waist, stuck his antennae in the air, finally managed to enter the code correctly, and huffed off into his room. The door slammed loudly shut behind him.

Red, left in his top and… questionable underwear… in the hall growled joyously as he snuggled against the door separating him from Purple. "He's so wonderful! He can't wait so he ripped my clothes off with desire!" He tried the handle, then frowned. "Oh, Pur… you left me in the hallway… Pur? Pur?"

Red settled down and crossed his arms over his chest. "Boy, is Pur gonna feel stupid when he realizes he forgot me out in the hallway."

Meanwhile, Purple collapsed onto his lace canopy bed, not even seeing the lavender and lilac shades that normally made him so comforted and warmly held. He couldn't get a moment's peace since Red had drunk that stupid potion. He wished he'd never laid eyes on it, let alone decided it would make a good present.

Purple pressed his face into the warm, soft pillows. "I want the old Red back. I miss my best friend, the one who would shoot me in the face with a laser, not try to nibble my antennae."

Purple rolled over onto his back, letting his head drop over the end of the bed. He moaned quietly, covering his burning eyes with his hands. Still, the feel of Red's mouth moving down the skinny, sensitive antennae was fresh in his mind. The way Red moved his long tongue…

Purple sat up violently, clutching the bottom half of the ruined robe across his lap. No… must not think of Red like that… must not… he threw the robe piece aside. It smelled like him, reminded Purple too much of him.

Kneeling before the window of his chamber and staring at the beautiful stars, Purple clasped his hands together and prayed for the safe return of the antidote-finding crew. 

Back in the mountains, Tak spit out a mouthful of sand. The sandstorm had come upon them suddenly and strongly two hours prior, pelting the three little Irkens mercilessly. Without warning a gush pushed at her back and she fell.

The pans on his back clattering loudly, Skoodge rushed to Tak's side. "Zim, we've got to stop. We can't keep going like this, not in this storm!"

"If you're weak, you can be left behind!"

Skoodge's ruby eyes flashed dangerously, a frightening light Zim had never known before. "You can go on alone then. We and the supplies are taking a rest!" With that, he swept Tak into his arms and carried her behind a large, sheltering rock.

"Mutiny! Mutiny! I'll have you all court marshaled!" Zim screamed into the empty air. By that time, he'd filled his entire mouth with sand. Spitting it out, he finally put his head down and miserably followed Skoodge.

"I'm okay," Tak insisted, struggling to get up and walk on her own. She had her pride to think of as she pushed Skoodge away.

"You scraped your leg when you fell; I don't want it to get infected," he insisted, pressing a medicated pad against her bleeding wound. She winced but bit down on her tongue to avoid crying out and looking like she needed his assistance.

"Weak," Zim muttered, looking away from the pair. Skoodge moved away from Tak, his eyes downcast, and began working on setting up a cook fire. 

"This isn't going to be easy," Skoodge sighed, leaning back on his haunches. "All the sand blowing in the flame is making it flare up dangerously."

"I'll see if I can find some stones to block the wind," Tak volunteered, wanting to show that her leg was fully functional. She slipped down the trail, leaving the two males alone.

Zim looked up from the boredom. His crimson eyes widened. His fingers reached up, curling around the flower and pulling it down. "Ha!" he cried, striking a pose as he held out the flower. " I found the antidote! The tallests will reward me and only me!"

Skoodge frowned. "The flower we need is white and purple. There are hundreds of those pink ones around and no, we can't paint it. You already asked that when we landed." Skoodge paused. "Think we should have left the SIR units guarding the ships?"

"I don't know about your SIR, but my advanced unit given especially to me by the tallests will guard the ship tirelessly day and night, eyes peeled!"

Back at the ships, the only GIR was interested in peeling was the petals off the pretty pink flowers blooming all around. He gobbled them down one by one.

MiMi and Skoodge's SIR simply stared at GIR. Without their masters to order them around, they were uncertain of how to act around the insane robot. They were certain of one thing on their own, however; GIR was creeping them out.

GIR turned back to the other two robots. His eye cams transformed themselves into little blue hearts. "You two are preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty," the little robot grinned.

MiMi and the SIR looked at one another, then let out high-pitched robot screams. They took off with the love-enamored GIR pursuing them, screaming out intentions of mechanical love and robot romance.

Zim threw the flower in the fire in anger. "Hey, you're going to mess up my cooking!" Skoodge cried angrily. Pink wisps of smoke began to rise from the fire. "Now look what you've done!" the two Irkens hissed in unison. Skoodge began to cough when the smoke reached his lungs, shutting his eyes and clenching his hurting chest.

Zim did the same as Skoodge, doubling over as his lungs felt like the fumes were burning inside them. Right at the same time, both males looked up and focused their eyes… on Tak, struggling up the hill with a pile of stones. 

This is supposed to be continued… someone light a fire under me, okay? No wait, I'm afraid of fire… um… just… uh… I dunno. Nevermind.


End file.
